The Misadventures of Wanda Maximoff
by yaySokovia
Summary: The gloriously hilarious adventures of Wanda and Pietro Maximoff. Explosions, botched TV interviews, catfights... the list goes on and on. Warning: will be very long once I have published all the chapters. Note: Not compatible with Age of Ultron
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own any of this. :(

Author's note: My first fanfic! This is the result of my fantabulicious imagination. It took a looooong time to write, but it was a joy. It was written before Age of Ultron, so I made up... everything. This is only the first chapter, there are... let's see... 12 more to go. In this, Wanda and Pietro are stupid. But that doesn't mean that I think they're stupid in the movies!

"Next, please!"

"All right, give me your names, ages, places of birth, powers, and reason for wanting to join the Avengers."

"Hokay. I am Pietro Maximoff, and zis is my zeester Wanda. Ve are tvins. I zink. As far as I know, ve are both twenty-two."

"Uhh, Steve? Why is he talking like that? That's like a Russian/Italian/Czechoslovakian accent. On steroids. "

"I...don't know, Tasha. Alright... Pietro. Place of birth?"

"Ummmk, Wanda?"

"Yes, Pietro? Zorry, I was zinkink of home."

"Right, Wanda, where exactly is home? Oh never mind. Ah, um. Ve are from Boston."

"...Riiiiiiight."

"Shuddap, Tony. They could be...uh...immigrants."

"YaYa, ve are very much from Boston. Oomm, how 'bout zoze Red Zocks?"

"Ooohh, ya! See, Pietro, I am vearing red zocks!"

"Wanda, you are always vearink red zocks. Not helpink."

"Shoosh, brother Pietro."

"These guys have a very limited grasp of English."

"Excuze moi! We are...Americank...through and through!"

*whisperwhisperwhisper*

"Good idea, Wanda! Ve are from the city of Arkansas!"

"It looks like they also have a limited grasp of geography."

"Where are you guys actually from? Seriously, were you raised in a barn?"

"No no no! Ve vere born and raised right here! In ze motherland."

"Isn't that a term for Russia?"

"Whooopsy."

"Pietro, let me do ze talking. We were raised right here. In the American city of... Rio De Janeiro?"

"Wanda, I shall talk once again."

"Raised by what, Latverians?"

"No. Wanda, who were we raised by?"

"Remember? ...NAZIS!"

"AARRRGGHHHH!"

"Stevestevecalmdownsteveitsokaystevethey'renotNazis!"

"No, no, Wanda, ve vere not RAISED by ze Nazis, ze Nazis only gave us our powers. Ve vere RAISED by... how do you say Xdidldidildidlgreeeech(snort) in Americank?"

"Gypsies, brother Pietro."

"... Are they serious?"

" We aren't going to believe anything you say from this point on."

"Vell, vhat can ve say that you VILL believe?"

"That you come from the insane asylum."

"Hokay, ve are from ze insane... Vaitaminute."

"ZTARK!"

"Wanda, cease! It is not nice to take control of other people's. . . people's . . . kleeploobk."

"My armor is not 'kleeeepooooook' in whatever language they are speaking!"

"You know, they still haven't told us where they're from."

"...Hokay. Ve vill be honest. Ve, ve, VE DON'T COME FROM AMERICA!"

"Wanda, crying is not goink to 'elp us get onto ze Avengers."

"Um, yeah, we kinda guessed you weren't from America."

"Tasha, be quiet. Can't you see she is distraught? It's ok, ma'am, it's ok."

"Steve, we are running a recruitment center here, not a kindergarten."

"I'm not listening to you anymore, Tasha. You made poor... Wanda..cry."

"I didn't make her cry, she made herself cry!"

"...Ok. Ok. Tony, get a box of tissues. I am going to take a different approach to this. Sir, ma'am, if you can't tell me where you are from, can you tell me where you have lived recently?"

"Vell, ve vere born in Sokovia, and zen our parents got blowed up and ve moved to England, France, Japan, Finland, Latveria, Russia, Chile, Antarctica, Bolivia, Hawaii, Boston, Arkansas, Rio de Janeiro, Czechoslovakia,Germany, China, the is-lands of Galapagos, and Los Angeles."

"Don't forgeta Boston!"

"I did not."

"?."

"Is Czechoslovakia even a country anymore?"

"Ooooky, moving on."

"What are your powers? Exactly."

"Vell, mine is super speed..."

"What about your sister's?"

"Um, zat is tad harder to eggsplain."

"Ya, my powers is like, glowy red stuff, and BOOOMK! . . . Most of the time."

"Well, you did just take control of my armor."

"Oh ya. And zat."

"How can possibly we let you two on our team if you don't even know where you are from or what your powers do?"

"Don't ask that question!"

"Too laaaate."

"DO NOT INSULT MY ZISTER'S INTELLIGENCE!"

"Wowho, calm down, big fella, nobody's insulting nobody's sister. We just need to know what kind of crazy we're getting on our team."

"Vould it help if I punched 'ou in the face?"

"No, I zink it would help if ve gave zem our life story, brother Pietro."

"NO!"

"Hokay! We shall tell."

Three hours later:

"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"As I vas sayink, before ze lady with ze obviously dyed red hair so rudely interrupted me, zat is how my dear old Auntie Phlegm caught the Whooping Black Bubola Plague. And died. The first time, anyways."

"Good story, zister Wanda!"

"You know, you could have condensed that three hour monologue into twenty two words. Believe me, I did the math. "

"Cynicism not appreciated, Clint."

"Oh, is zat the name of ze man with ze arrows? He has not spoken a zeengle vord."

"Neither has ze geeky man with ze glasses, brother Pietro. And ze buff dude with ze very bik hammer is also quiet."

"Where did you learn zuch blasphemous zlang, zister Wanda?"

"WE ARE GETTING OFF TRACK, PEOPLE!"

"Alright. Now that we have ... cleared up...your background and your powers, we need to know why you want to join us."

"NOOOOOO MOOOOOOORE PLEAAAAAAAASE!"

"Vell, I vant for me and my zister to have a home. And, ve might learn Americank more better. And, ve vant to be able to learn to control our powers. And, ve are much lonely vith no friends in this country. And, Wanda vants learn maths. She heard about maths in a... a... a magakzine, and she vill not shut up about them."

"All right. Fine. We will teach you 'maths'. And we will help you learn to control your powers, and figure out what Wanda's powers are."

"Ya, and one thing other. I would like to learn za art of parkour, and za art of making tea cozies. I read about zem in ze magazines."

"I think zat Wanda will be reading no more magakzines."

"*gasp* Brother Pietro! I learn my...zlang...from ze magakzines, and they are helping my Amerikank. I learned how to zay 'word' and 'bro' and 'YOLO'! Ya, I love that YOLO."

"Once again, off track."

"So. Have ve given you enough information about us? Can ve join?"

"Yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyespleasepleasejuststoptalkingpleasejoinusweloveyouaaaaaaa."

"I zink the woman vith ze dyed hair zinks zat ve should join da Avengers."

"Ya, sister Wanda!"

"If you make one more comment about my natural and lush orange hair I will Bite you into next week."

"It is not kind to bite people. It makes zem think zat you are a baby. However, I am zinking zat zat might be true in any case."

"AAARRGGGHHH!"

"Ooh! Catfight!"

"This woman! I like her! She is feisty!"

"That dyed woman should watch 'er back. Wanda has three... three...oh what is the word! Oh vell, really long nails. She can fight remarkably like a cat. I vould know. I ave been clawed."

"Why do our recruiting sessions ALWAYS go off the deep end?"


	2. Wanda and Pietro Move In

"And to wrap up the grand tour of your new home...wait for it...wait for it..."

"Tony, stop!"

"Ok, ok. Please step through this door. Thank you! Here are...your new living quarters! This is yours, Wanda, and Pietro, you will be in an identical set of rooms across the hall. Well, this is the hallway. And that door leads to the bedroom, and that one to the bathroom. This door, here, leads to the game/living room."

"Ack!"

"My sentiment eegsactly, zeester."

Oh, oh. Are you sure zees eess where we vill be stayink? It ees too nice. Look, a bed! Ack!

And a chair! Oh 'eaven above!"

**SMOOOOOOOOOOOCH**

"Back off, lady! No kissing the merchandise."

"I take it you don't usually have a bedroom wherever you live."

"Ach, ya. Ze last "bedroom" zat we had vas a upside down garbage can in a landfill on the is-lands of Galapagos. Eeek! Vere dos zis door lead to? Ohnevermind I vill find out myself! A BATHROOM! AND A CLOZET! AND, AAAAA! ZEES OTHER DOOR LEADS TO A GAME ROOM! VITH A, A, A... A MMMMMMMMMIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNIIIIIIIIIIFFFFFFFFFRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDDDDDGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Um, I kind of told you about the game room already. Were you even listening?"

*sooooob*

"I guess not."

"Methinks we should exit and let zeester Wanda be 'appy in solitude."

"'Methinks' you are right, Pietro."


	3. Wanda and Pietro Take Language Lessons

"Oh, I am zoo glad that ve have been...accee...accep...joined the Avengers."

"Ya, Brother Pietro, I am thankful also."

"Don't you love ze accomadatshio...shio...waitwha-?"

"Oh, but the language is zo defficult."

"Let us have a break. Let us speak our native language for a brief spell."

"Gork! Aser mie fsoggle soooooooy natuina SNORT mani serrgtf classdckk!"

"Sanisanscopt knolol."

"Uh..Wanda? Pietro? You do realize that we are all eating breakfast together? It is...customary to speak the same language that everyone else is speaking..."

"Oh, Capitan, I am zoo sorry. But ve find zees language incre-incredi...much difficult."

"Hmm... How would you like to take some English lessons? We can start right after breakfast!"

"SMEEGgle!"

"...Wanda?"

"Oh. Zorry. I was eggspressing excitement."

A little while later:

"All right, people. Welcome to English lessons. I'm gonna teach you how to correctly pronounce words. We'll start easy. Repeat after me. Say, 'I am going to learn how to speak properly.'"

"I am goink to learn ow to speak proparly."

"Ya. What Pietro said."

"You aren't getting it. You are supposed to say it."

"But Pietro said it."

"AAAAAAAA."

"Hokay, hokay, keep your pants on. I am going ou learn ow to speak properly."

"You sound like a French person."

"You sound zike a french persawn."

"Yah."

"Wanda, I want you to say 'yeah.'"

"Yah."

"Yeah."

"Yah."

"YEAH."

"YAH."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa."

"Bruce, your turn."

30 minutes later:

"Hello. My name is Pietro Maximoff. My sister's name is Wanda. We are twins. We are twenty two. We are, as of now, Avengers. Our favorite teammate is the honorable and esteemed Bruce.

Our least favorite teammate is the despicable and slimy Anthony."

"Yah. And the red haired female. She is a toad."

"See, Tony, after 30 minutes I got Pietro to speak all those words perfectly. You couldn't even get Wanda to say 'yeah.'"

"Neither could you."

"True."

"Wait a minute, Bruce. I want to ask them a question. Wanda. Pietro. I would like to know exactly how many languages you speak. Your accents sound like a pig gargling toilet water."

"Hmm. Let us see. I speak the languages of France, Japan, Finland, Latveria,, Russia, Chile, Antarctica, and Bolivia. Wanda is fluent in the languages of Hawaii, Boston, Arkansas, Rio de Janeiro, Czechoslovakia, Germany, and Los Angeles."

"LA, England, Hawaii, Boston, and Arkansas all have the same language. Uhh, and it is the same language we are speaking now. Why on earth do you have so much trouble speaking it here if you were fluent in LA?"

"Yah, but it is not ze same. You gotta know za lingo. Eggsample. In England, zey say 'cheerio,' 'roundabout,' and 'mate.' Ere, you say 'travvic zircle,' 'friend,' and 'cheerio' is a type of cereal."

"Right."

"Uhh, and in LA, ze language is ees easy, but ze people!"

"I know..., ze peoples in LA are just soo scary. Ze look exactly like us! Aah! Zere ees zis lady, I sink 'er name ess Eleezbeth, she is playing me in ze movie, no? Well, she is me. Soo freaky."

"I know, Wanda! The woman who plays me is nothing like me. She just married this incredibly unattractive French man. I hate French men."

"I like the mortal fellow portraying me! His muscles are very worthy! Unlike the puny little fellow portraying you, friend Bruce!"

"Hey!"

"Well, I don't have that problem, cause Mr. Downey is very, very much me."

"Shuddap, Tony."

"Shut it."

"Cease, Ztark!"

"Friend Stark, the mortal fellow playing you is akin to a twig."

"Maybe we should try flashcards..."


	4. Wanda Tries to Make Friends

"Natalia Alianova Romanova, your name suggests zat you are Russian. Even zough you don't look or zound like a Russian, I thought zat you should know zat brother Pietro is fluent in ze language of Russia. And I am learnink to speak it.

"HOW DID YOU KNOW MY REAL NAME?!"

"But, Madame, it ees on ze, what do you say, ze internet."

"Aarrgghh, I new I would live to regret that decision. What else do you know about me?"

"Vell... You were throwed out a vindow when you were 5, you were trained by ze KGB, you have 42 different alias, you know 12 types of martial art, you do not know who you're parents are, you were a international assassin, you were goink to be killed by ze archer dude, but he decided to date you instead, you are actually a blond, and you are plannink to dump ze archer for ze man weeth ze winks on hees helmet. Steven, yes? Um, I hope I do not offend you."

"NOOOO! MY PRECIOUS PRECIOUS SECRETS! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa..."

"Wanda, what happened here? Where is Natasha?"

"Vell, Mr. Bruce, she throwed herself out zat window."

"What!?"

"Zir, vat is zat?"

"It's a communicator. Thor! Fly out the window, northern side of the Tower! No questions, just do it. Fast! I'll be back, Wanda. Stay here."

"Ho...hum... I vonder vhy friend Natalia did zat odd zingk. Oh. Here zey come. My goodness! Madame, why do you bite your fellow teammate so viciously?!"

"Mrrpphhh...Thor...RARRWW...(Chomp)...caught me. Didn't want to...Letmego!...be caught. And YOU!"

"No. Nono. Aaiiieeeee! No, Not- Zo -Friendly- Natalia, cease!...'EEEEELLLPP!"

"Lady Widow, do not abuse the lady Wanda. What has she done to you?"

"Let me go, Thor! She... knows my precious secrets...She... she must be compromised!"

"Oww! Do not bite me, mortal!"

"HA HA!"

"No! Friend Natali– "

"You are going to die slowly...intimately... and I will enjo– "

CLONK!

"Oohh, zanks, Steven. She vas about to zap me and kill me, I sink."

"Well, that was kind of obvious. When I walked in, Thor was sucking on his hand, which currently has some impressive bite marks. And Natasha was standing over you, powering up her Bites. You ok?"

"...no."


	5. Steven and Wanda

"Conceal don't feel, don't let them knooooooowwwww...Well now they kno-OOOOwwwwwwwch! Natasha, why did you do that?"

"Rogers, you know that I hate that song. And you sing it all the time. I know that you and Bucky were Disney buffs back in the day, but that doesn't mean that you can just dance around the Tower singing that stupid song."

"I am aware that you don't like the song, but come on, the voices and lyrics are sooooo much better now. Back in my day, we had Snow White, who sounded like a prepubescent boy singing a song on helium. While plugging his nose."

"...You win. But that doesn't mean that I am gonna stop hitting you when you sing."

Later that day:

*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK *

"Come in!"

"Oh, hello, friend Tasha."

"Do not call me 'friend Tasha,' witch. I am still mad at you for that whole secrets fiasco. I am not your friend."

"Hokay, friend Tasha. Vell, I came to tell you somethink. Steven has introduced me to an amaaazzzing movie! It's called Frozen. You probably aven't heard of it."

"Believe me, I have."

"Vell, Steven showed it to me, and he taught me how to sing a song from it. It is called Let It Go. He said it ees not very popular, so I should sing it to you so you can hear it. Za chorus goes like zees: LET IT GO, LET IT GO, CAN'T OLD IT BACK ANYMORRRRRE, LET IT GO, LET IT GOOOOOO, 'URN AWAY AND ZLAM ZE DOOR! I DON'T CAR-"

"ROGERS!"

StompStompStompStomp...

"Friend Natasha? Friend Natasha! Did ou not like my sinkingk? Ackh, I should have known. Pietro alvays said zat I sounded like a Guarsgehsblooch."

**Over the Intercom***

"-uce, you will not believe what I did to NataAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!"

"Bwa ha ha. Revenge is mine. And, I broadcast your wimpy-ness over the intercom so that all the Avengers (plus employees and Pepper) will know that the Widow always wins."

"(urkle)"

"Oh well. You know that a girl likes someone when she tries to strangle him."

"Bruce. Shut. Your. Mouth."


	6. Wanda aka Mary Poppins

"No, Bruce, I will not drink that nasty concoction. Super spies don't take medicine for colds."

"Come on, Natasha. You have a terrible cold, and you haven't had a good night sleep in a week."

"And, frankly, it hasn't been pleasant for any of us."

"Shut up, Stark. (Achoo)."

"Tasha, we just can't take it anymore. Are you going to take this medicine, or am I gonna have to stab you with the nasty needle?"

"But Steve, it tastes so baaaaaaaaaad."

"I zink my zister and I can help, friend Romanova."

"No. Honestly. Thanks, Pietro."

"Wanda, what is that in your hand?"

"Looks to me like... salt? Suga - ?"

"JUST A ZPOON FUL OF ZUGAR HELPS ZE MEDICINE GO DOWN! ZE MEDICINE GO DOWWWN..."

~ ~ ZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTTTTTTT ~ ~

THUD.

STAB.

THUD.

"j-j-just a z-zpoon ful of-f zugar-r-r-r..."

"(sigh). Somebody get a defibrillator for Wanda. And a stretcher for Natasha. "

"Wait. So it wasn't cold medicine in the syringe?"

"Na. It was tranquilizer. I figured by the time we would need to jab Tasha with the needle, a little tranquilizer would be needed more."

"z-z-z-z-zugarrrr..."


	7. Wanda the Rabid Fangirl

"...And that is the tale of Thor's maniac brother's attempt to rule earth."

"Midgard."

"Earth, Thor."

"Ach, very very good tale, master Thor. Very pleazant. Aaach. Oh ya. Master Thor, I vas vonderink, vat does zis Loki look like?"

"Lady Wanda, you may see a picture of him, if you like."

"Oh ya, I vould like to."

"NononoThor!"

"Absolutely not!"

"NO!"

"Oh no. Oh no."

"She may not."

"Here it is, lady Wanda."

"THOOOOR!NONONONONONONO!"

"Here is one, Wanda."

"Achk, is this 'eem?"

LONG AWKWARD PAUSE

"... Sister Wanda, I do believe zat you are blushink."

"Shoosh, Brother Pietro."

"Thor! Why did you let her see! You know that Wanda has a habit of crushing on our enemies! Remember?! Kang! Ultron! Thanos! Half of the male population of Hydra!

WHY?!"

"...He is...cute."

"HE IS VERY, VERY, EVIL!"

"Och, Natalia, he vas probably misunderstood. Ya, ya. Thor, vere does zees Loki reside?"

"Sister Wanda, I usually side vith you in our little arguments, but zis...zis ees insane."


	8. Wanda Gets a Pony

"Friend Tony, I vould like to show you somethink in my room. My zeester Wanda's birthday is coming up soon, and I have a present for her. Do you zink she would like it? It took me aaaaages to sneak it into my bedroom."

"What exactly is it?"

"Aaahh, ummm, erk."

"Pietro!"

"Eet is somethink zat eats a lot! Ya! From our childhood! I zink it will make her zink of home."

"Pietro. What have you brought into my tower?"

"Hokay. It is a blourbpshshshsh."

"A what?"

"A blourbpshshshsh."

(From a distance) Arrrgggg!

"That's Legolas! Pietro, what. is. a. Blourbsh?!"

"A Gypsy Vanner horse."

"PIETRO!"

"Ach, all right. A blourbpshshshsh is a Gypsy Vanner horse. Zey are ze kind of horses zat ve had in ze gypsy camps. Very big. Very hairy. Ya."

"Ohboy."

(From a distance) "AARRRGGGHHHH! MY ARROWS! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Eeet appearz zat Angus has gotten out of my room and ees chewink on ze arrows of...Legolas(?)."

"Pietro, when I get back, you are gonna die."

StompStompStomp

"Maybe getting Angus for zeester Wanda vas not such a good idea after all."


	9. Wanda Goes 'Shoppink'

"Friend Natalia, I am zo eggsited that I am gettink to go shoppink with you and Pietro today. I think ve vill bond much."

"Right. Well. I just felt that, since I am stuck – I mean, since you guys are on the Avengers now, we should get you some normal clothing. It is good for the public image, you know."

"Oh ya. Off course."

"Ok, twins, I will go with Wanda first to help her with her clothes. If you want, Pietro, you can take a look around or something."

"Nonono, friend Natalia, you are doing this all wrong. This is how you shop. BROTHER PIETRO! BRING ME RED STUFF OFF ZE SHELVES!"

"Yaya, Zeester Wanda."

ZZZZZZIIIIINNG... ZAAAAAPPPPPP... ZOOOOOOOOWOOOOOOSH.

"All here, zeester Wanda!"

"See, friend Natalia? Much faster zen actually valkink around ze store or zomzink."

"Um... YOU CAN'T JUST GRAB ALL THE RED THINGS OFF THE SHELVES!"

"But... but... zees is vat ve always do."

"Ya, and then zeester Wanda turns all ze things invisible or vhatever and then we take it all vhere we are living at the moment and zen hopefully not put on ze clothes before rememberink to turn zem visible again, like last time."

"But that's stealing!"

"No no, friend Natalia, ve always pay zem somehow. Someday. But zis vay is zo much faster and easier."

"Fine. Maybe that how you did it before, but not anymore. From now on, you are 'goink' to shop like normal people. (Sigh). Pietro, put those . . .red things back. I'm gonna take Wanda to the dressing rooms."

"ZE VHAT?!"

Later

"I am zorry, friend Natalia, I thought zat ve vere shoppink for wearables, not blindfolds."

"Oh. Wanda, take that bikini top off your face!"

"What does za word bikini mean?"

"Um. You know, a swimsuit. Wanda, take that off your face. You're scaring me."

"But aren't zwimzuits zuposed to cover you?"

"Wanda!"

"I mean...zees ees like, za amount of fabric zat you wear under your clothink."

"Wanda...please, please take that off your face. Thank you. Please, please go try it on. Please, please, STOP BEING SO AGGRAVATING!"

"...ok, friend Natalia."

. . . .

"Ow do I look?"

"Wow, Wanda. You are a knockout!"

"Umk, I vould knock myzelf out before I vould vear zees in publik."

"Hardy har har."

"Ach, I mean it!"

"Oh, come on, Wanda. You look really good!"

"It ees...eemmoddest."

"Have you been hanging out with Steve again?"

"...maybe. Vell. I would zike to buy a zwimzuit, but I vant one vich has ze proper amount of coverink. You know, ze stockings, and ze skirt for coverink ze ankles, and ze bonnet and ze jacket and ze leetle zlippers. And ze rubber ducky inner tube... a proper suit for svimming."

"Uhuhuhuhuhuah."

"Back ven ve lived in Sokovia, Papa Django alvays said, 'Eef you are not covered vith much cloths, you are not even fit to be compared to a sdeergifitsplatooch.'"

"... I'm guessing that a 'sdeergifitsplatooch' is bad?"

"Yah."

"(sigh)... Ok. We just won't take you swimming in public."

"Do you vear such things in public?!"

". . ."


	10. Wanda Stocks her Minifridge

"Go EEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnn! GO EEENNNN!"

"Hey! Wanda, what on earth are you doing?!"

"I am tryink...to put some food eento my minifridge. Ees not vorkink."

"A rabbit? A chicken?! A cow!?"

"Yah. Food."

"Deep breaths, Bruce. Get it under control. Deeeep breaths. That's right. Ok. Wanda. Cows, rabbits, and chickens do not go in minifridges."

"But mini fridges 'old food, no? And rabbits, chickens, and cows are food. It ees vat ve ate ven ve lived vith ze gypsies. Although, I am beginnink to vonder vat ze designers of zees fridge vere thinkink."

"Ok. First things first. How in the world did you get a cow, a rabbit, and a chicken past

J. A. R.V. I. S?"

"Brother Pietro got zem for me. He es so nice like zat."

"Hm. Wanda, has anyone ever actually shown you how food is made?"

"Yes. There ees a mommy cow and a daddy cow and then th– ."

"Okokokhehe no. That's not what I meant. He. Hehem."

"Then vat did you actually mean?"

"Here we go. Well, when one wants cow meat in their minifridge, they take the cow to the butcher. Then, the butcher ki– Oh never mind. Wanda, if you want cow meat, go buy some beef at Walmart. And get those animals out of here. The chicken is pooping on the rug."

"Hokay, Mr. Bruce."


	11. Wanda's Brief Costume Design Adventure

"Brother Pietro, ve need to find you a new costume. Az ze Americanks zay, spap."

"...Vat?"

"You know, spap. Like, pronto. Qvickly. Sluchagarp."

"Oh. Ok. I zink zat you 'ave zat vord vrong. Vell, vhy do I need a new costume?"

"Za one zat you are vearink now looks like somebody's old pajamas."

"Zister, you actually vore pajamas eento battle vonce, remember?"

"...Ya, brother Pietro. But zat vas only because ve had to fight een ze meetle of ze night."

"I know, zeester. But, it vas funny. You vere fightink een p.j. pants vith irate birds on zem! And a shirt vith...vith... hahahaha!"

"I know I know I know. Teletoobies. Not nice, brother. And you are changink ze sobject. I am goink to 'ave friend Tony buy you a new coztume. And I vill design eet."

"Vat gives you ze right to make my costume?"

"I am woman. I 'ave ze fashion zense of ze two of us."

"BWAHAHAHAHA! Fashion zenze? You? You, ze girl who zinks zat vomen should grow out zeir armpeet hair and vear zeir undervear outzide ze pants? BWAHhahahahaha-OOOOOOWWWWWCCCCCHHHHHHH!"

The Next Day:

"Pietro, your coztume ees here!"

"Oh great."

"Come and ZEEEEEE!"

"...okaaaaay."

"Go eento my bathroom and change. Zen come out."

Fifteen minutes later:

"Brother? Vat are you doink? You 'ave been in zere for a looonk time. Vat are you DOINK?"

"...I am pukink."

"Brother! Come out. NOW."

"Who died and put you een charge?"

"DO EEET!"

"Yeesh, ok. I am comink. But I vould zike to burn zees thing first."

"Ack, Pietro, you look zoooo goo-oh, hi Friend Clint!"

(*Blink*Blink*Blink*...)

"What the heck is Pietro WEARING?!"

"...'is costume..."

"Who designed it? I mean really. It looks...terrible. Pietro, I personally advise you assassinate whoever came up with this awful outfit."

"SSSOOOOOOOBBBBBBBB!"

StompStompStomp

"Uhhhh...zeester Wanda designed eet. But I agree vith you. Tis pukevorthy."

"...Oops."


	12. Cookie Starts With 'K'

"Now, Wanda and Pietro, when we go up in front of all the people, don't. say. anything."

"Hokay, friend Clint."

"Don't you guys think duct tape would help?"

"No, Natalia Alianov– "

"Suddap, Wanda."

"Whoopzy."

"Ok guys, we're live in five. Ha, I've always wanted to say that."

"Maturity, Steve."

"Right."

"Remember, mouth shut, Wanda."

"Off course."

"Yes, Wanda! We agree! You are very off course! Specifically, your brain."

"Toonnyyyyyy..."

"Sorry, Bruce. I couldn't resist."

"Good morning, America! We are live in D. C., with the Avengers. Today we will be interviewing them on their two newest members, the daring duo... Pietro and Wanda Maximoff... Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch! So, Wanda, what is it like being an Avenger?"

"Ve – "

"Oh, they love it. They both enjoy being on a team very much. And we love having them. They are both great people with amazing powers. They will always be welcome on this team."

"That is good to hear, Captain. Now, Pietro what exactly are your powers?"

"..."

"Quicksilver? Pietro? Yoohoo?"

"Oh, sorry, I forgot to tell you. He is very shy, and he doesn't like speaking in front of crowds. Any way, his power is superspeed, and the Scarlet Witch's powers are... um... levitation, red light, and... scary stuff, witchcraft, ... hence the name, you know."

"How fascinating. Now, I am sure that everyone in America is eager to know more about the histories of the mysterious twin Avengers. Wanda, what was it like for you two growing up, and how did you come into your amazing abilities?"

"Vell, actua-"

"ACTUALLY, they grew up orphans, and only recently came into the United States. Before they came to Avengers Tower, they lived in . . . Boston."

"Ah, I see. So, Wanda, what is adjusting to modern American life for you and your brother?"

"Vell, Friend Interviewer, It 'as bee– "

"It has been quite an adjustment, yes, quite an adjustment."

"I am sorry, Black Widow, but I am afraid the viewers would like to hear something from the twins themselves in this interview. What were you going to say, Miss Wanda?"

– smack noooooo (facepalm) groan –

"As I vas sayink, before I vas interrupted, it 'as been quite diffi... diffi... hard to learn to live here. Especially ze language. Zo hard. However, Brother Pietro and I enjoy much good thinks here, like bathrooms vith toilet paper and minifridges."

"Somebody stop her please."

"Also, ze Avengers 'ave been zo friendly and helpful to us. Friend Nata – Black Vidow has been especially nice to me, and Friend Tony ees teachink me maths and 'ow to zpell vords. Ya! See? Listen to hees most recent lesson: COOKY COOOKY COOOOKY ZTARTS VITH K!"

"Why oh why, Tony?"

"Sorry."

Long Stunned Silence

"This has been live with the Avengers on Good Morning, America! , turning RIGHT NOW to the latest update on...uh...anything?"


	13. Wanda Apologizes

~ ~ ZAAAAP ~ ~

"OOOOOOWWWWW!"

~ ~ ZAAAAP ~ ~

"AaarrrrrggGGGGGHHHHH!"

~ ~ ZAAAAP ~ ~

"EEEEEEKKKK! Natasha! Stop! I am going to get zap marks on my butt!"

"YOU SHUDDA THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE YOU TOLD WANDA THAT 'COOKIE' STARTS WITH 'K '!"

"OhjeeezHEEEEEEEEELLP!"

"You deserve your plight, Howardson!"

"Yeah, Tony. You have to get yourself out of this one. And without your armor, too. Oh, Pietro. I forgot to tell you. We had J. A. R. V. I. S. lock up all his armor containers."

"..."

"You can talk now, Pietro."

"..."

"Please, Friend Natalia, please cease aboosing Friend Tony. (Sniffle) It vas not hees fault zat I, az ze Americanks zay, botched up. I am zo zorry for embarrassink my Avengers family... bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.(sob)"

"Don't cry, Wanda. It was his fault. He was being his usual scumbag self and manipulating innocent people. Kind of like what Steve did in the 'Let it Go' incident, actually, but on an international scale."

"Zank you, friend Bruce. You are too kind(sniff). That makes me feel a weeensy bit better."

~ ~ ZAAAP ~ ~

"Hey!"

"Ya know, life has gotten...howcanisaythistastefullly...interesting. Much more interesting that it used to be since you two joined our merry band."

"Yeah, Wanda. I get the feeling that our lives will never...ever... be the same again with you two around."

"Zank you, Friends Clinton and Steven. I am very glad zat ve joined. My Eenglish 'as eeemproved...zort off. I can do basic maths, zough I probably shouldn't ever ever mention zat because it vas Tony who taught me... And ze best, Pietro and I vinally 'ave a home!"

~ ~ ZAAAAP ~ ~

"CUTITOUT, NATASHA!"

"I propose a toast, mortal friends. To fellowship that is our future!"

"Alcohol...?"

"Tony..."

~ ~ZAAAPP ~ ~

THUD.

"Oh look, Tony ees unconscious. Vell, I very very much look forward to our future together. Right, brother?"

"..."

"And also, I look forward to meetink your hunkaleeeeeeescious bro, Friend Thor. Loki, right? Do you zink zat he digs za color red?"

"NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Such blasphemous zlang, Zister Wanda."

"Shoosh, Brother Pietro."

 **The End.**

 **Ok. I am not a Loki fangirl. However, there are many, many women/girls/babies that are, so I thought Chapter 7 poetic. Also, I wrote this before Age of Ultron came out, so none of that Wanda/Loki relates to anything that is happening in the actors/actresses lives presently. If you no comprendo, look it up.**

 **Hope you enjoyed it! Yay Sokovia!**


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